Wish I could keep you closer to me,

I know sometimes I’m distanced and I’m out of your reach,

I know sometimes I hate you,

I battle the similarities,

How I let humor bury me

How I let limits marry me

How I let women carry me

I died before I cried,

then I lied, I lied, I lie, I lie, Allah,

Allah won’t you save me (b)4 I give this woman babies?

Traumatized, tongue-tied I can’t say it, will I make it?

If you love me, let me go I need to never come back,

if you love me, keep me close ‘cause ima always relapse,

always rehash,

holes in my heart, my chest, my lungs,

I’ve run from guns,

I’ve danced with death -- co-created Russian Roulette

but still made it out,

despite the doubt,

in spite of beliefs that I’d run for cover,

protected the mothers,

even though I had been misused

forgave the fathers,

even though they passed down issues.

 

Morphed sand into mirrors to take a hard look,

felt everything from shame to star stuck,

turned to God’s book,

to find traces of who I am or who I’m supposed to be,

realized I’m just a man,

paralyzed by doubt & grief.

But still,

swimming in the waters of everything in between.