Things I Learned in Middle School

I used to store my shame in my locker next to my gym shoes,

When I went home I’d take it with me -- can’t leave anything overnight.

I slept with it under my pillow,

sometimes under the bed,

Slept on my back,

Wondering how I’ll carry it to school again.

When I arrived to school,

I was in a hurry to get the weight off me,

I wasn’t watching where I was walking and bumped into you in the back hallway,

we exchanged face,

I wondered if you were coming from storing the same shame,

But I never asked,

Things clicked and we started to kick it—we wore the same mask.

Filled the halls with belligerence,

blatant ignorance of friendly fire,

made pacts that felt like blood ties,

repercussions grew on the horizon.

Friendship implied loyalty,

A type of sacrifice that left me feeling exploited and at risk of being exposed for forgery—You were what I wasn’t,

And it stayed that way through high school.

I learned to never hold people’s pain against them,

But something told me to choose distance,

A few years later you confronted me about the way that I went missing.

Friendship implied loyalty.

I guess for everyone that looks different.

The other place I stored my shame was in homegirl named *****

She had a vibe about her that made me think I already knew the way.

It was different from a friendship because the disrespect was audacious,

it was my first experience with a lot of things so I established a certain patience.

Practiced observations, did my math, started writing papers that became poetry.

She pulled the worst from me to get those words from me,

I learned just how far I’d go for a love regardless of what they deserve from me.

Still, you can love but not trust someone

Regardless of the urgency.

I learned a lot in middle school…

Being quick to call me bro is often done to avoid intimidation.

Lovers come and go to bring new realizations.

Those hallways saw the first and last of my submissive commitments.

In retrospect,

I knew more about myself than I ever admitted.