Internalized Expectations

I learned early that secrets must remain locked in the hearts they bleed from.

Shame was engraved into my shadows,

And fear became my armor.

Who am I to live in my truth?

There was nothing written to say I deserve to be loved in the binaries I live between,

So I chose to pick the side that seemed to rest without misery, and second guessing

The side that never walks with shameful shadows.

A method of protection to pretend I got everything I needed in my younger days.

I had food, water and a place to lay my head.

I always had shelter and was never met with a threat.

I am blessed, to say the least.

My feelings were only tangible in my night terrors,

I preferred to sleep walk through my days trying to find a human vessel that could translate,

Until those Beautiful Girls started to make me,

Suicidal

I lived in denial that my heart could hurt that bad.

I was supposed to be standing in the fire,

And putting the team on my back.

Internalized expectations,

From songs that confirmed my absent validation.

Even then,

I chose to keep the secrets that were making my heart bleed,

My inner child was malnourished,

My ego was gluttonous, spoiled, fragile

A straight up asshole ruled by the emotions I only addressed in my daydreams.

I chose dissonance,

When I needed conviction

That I was, and am, worthy.